REFLECT: Beyond the Halfway Mark
May the best be still unwritten...
The other day, when relaying a story to a friend, I found myself describing two people my husband and I met over the weekend as an older couple. Then it hit me. Wait. They were actually our age. Omg. WE are an older couple. When did that happen?!
Between that realization and being six months away from celebrating my 60th birthday, I'm not going to lie; this impending year is a tough one to wrap my head around. Usually, every time I falter at the thought of jumping through the portal of a new decade, I always tell myself that someday I will wish I was only turning 40, 50, or whatever milestone felt daunting at the time. This mind game has always helped me embrace the new number and the idea of aging with gratitude instead of dread. But this year, that usual reframing isn’t quite landing the same way. Instead, I’m feeling apprehensive.
Suddenly, all I can see are years dwindling. Turning 60 feels like crossing an invisible line - a shift from imagining a life filled with boundless possibilities to confronting the reality that the path ahead is undeniably shorter than the winding one behind me, and lined with a minefield of potential challenges.
Right now, I find myself standing at the edge of this next chapter, wondering, Will I be able to be the girl who steps into this decade with my usual hopeful spirit, and excitement for the best being yet to come? I want to still be her. I really do, and I know I'll get there. I’m just giving myself a minute to sort out these feelings. If anything, I'm resilient. It's in my nature to find courage to thrive and positivity in most circumstances, but that doesn’t mean the initial leap isn’t hard.
The irony is that while I may feel resistant to turning this corner, I actually do WANT to grow older. Of course, I want to live for as long as possible in perfect health (and, yes, I can simultaneously feel apprehensive over aging and, at the same time, feel lucky for every single day and every year I have the privilege of experiencing. Those two feelings aren’t mutually exclusive.) I know this is all stemming from fear, as most doubt does.
And, to be clear, this isn’t just about my looks fading or my identity wrinkling along with my skin. Yes, I’m vain. I’ll own that. (But that’s a separate issue and a good post for another day.) What’s really causing me angst over this impending birthday is the glaring realization that the clock is ticking in a way it hasn’t before (well, I guess it’s always been ticking, but not quite as loudly). Now, the years ahead feel so much more finite. I have less time on earth rather than more. And it’s not just about my own time here; I think about my husband too, and both of us growing older and the inevitable challenges that will come with that, not only for us but our boys. There used to be excitement and promise for the unknown, and now there is a fear - so many things I will be unable to control. Yeah, yeah, I know the future is always uncertain at any age, but at this stage in life, that uncertainty feels scarier to me.
Two years ago, when my mom was 89, her care needs abruptly changed. That was when I felt the first pangs of a mini-existential crisis. Moving her out of her independent living situation into an assisted one was a massive transition - not just for her, but for me too. It’s a more stable situation now, but it’s been nothing short of a pressure-filled, emotional roller coaster. With challenges come lessons, though. Watching her continue to navigate this new chapter prompts me to reflect on what it truly means to age with dignity, strength, and grace - while realizing the financial realities needed to support that. And, confronting the truth of where we'll all eventually find ourselves if we're lucky enough to live a full human lifespan. (This is another one of those topics that really needs its own post…I clearly have a lot more writing to do…)
Thinking about all of this, I’m reminded that aging, despite its challenges, is a privilege, and the key is to embrace the years rather than fight them. The timeline ahead may be shorter, but it’s still mine to fill with purpose and meaning. Over the next few months, I’m working on stepping into a headspace that welcomes another year with eagerness rather than dread, putting energy into what I can control: my mindset and my health, and creating and expanding what will bring me joy in this next phase of my life.
My goal has always been to approach every year with an open heart, a curious mind, and a spirit that never stops growing or dreaming. I will make sure this year is no different once the day comes. When 60 arrives, I’ll be ready to swing the door wide open, maybe with Neil Diamond’s greatest hits playing in the background, a celebratory special in hand, and the confidence to embrace this next decade with a strong, healthy mind and body, good hair, and another must have - a sense of humor! Here’s to proving the best chapters can still be unwritten.
This totally sums up every conflicting and revealing thing about aging. I'm so glad to hear all the voices that feel the same way and be able to look at it more expectantly and less fearfully. Funny how aging actually brings to light the things that really matter and always have along the way. I definitely appreciate things, moments and people more than I ever did before. And it's refreshing to not really care about the things that don't really matter anyway. I guess there's a lot of wisdom that does come with age. Your 60s will be fabulous! Just like you are!
When I think about the aging process of the people I have loved and lost, there are two things that bring me hope: (1) Over time, their interests were refined into the things they valued most. One bright side to aging is that a lot of the noise seems to dissipate, and you are left with the chance to focus on things that truly matter to you. (2) A quote that I heard recently (something like "We are the first generation to have advance notice that we will live longer than we thought") provides a wake up call to not let time and money control us, but create control over those things for our future selves. And we can be more creative in what our older decades look like - communal living, alternative medical care, etc. Looking for all the bright spots!